Floundering

Our family sat around the dinner table the other night. I was telling my husband how worn out I felt after the first full week of school and how frustrated I was with my lack of progress in all things writing. I told him I just felt like I was floundering in everything.

My 6-year-old asked, “What’s floundering mean?”

I said, “It’s kind of like when you’re swimming, but you’re not doing it right. You’re splashing around, bobbing up and down, and not really getting anywhere.”

She gave me the raised eyebrow of a grade-schooler who thinks her mom is strange and says, “But you’re not swimming…”

It’s called an analogy, sweetheart.

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But that sums up the last few weeks. Despite all my positive pep talks to myself, I’m stuck. Part of the problem is the new routine with school has sucked away all my old writing time. My early morning time is taken up because I’m running the kid to school (with her twin siblings in tow) instead of writing while everything else is still sleeping. Afternoon is filled up with homework and piano practice and screaming twins who have been awake too long and won’t nap. By the time everyone is in bed by 8, I’m exhausted and just want to relax.

Not only that, I just feel tired. Physically tired. Mentally tired. People say to me that they don’t know how I do it with twins. I want to just break down crying, because some days I don’t think I’m doing “it” at all. I can’t seem to catch up on anything and I go to bed feeling like I’ve accomplished nothing.

I know it will get better. The dirty socks haven’t revolted yet and everyone goes to bed with full tummies, even if the kitchen looks like the aftermath of a cooking competition. My daughter’s focus on her reading will improve so her pages won’t take so long and the twins will adjust to the new school schedule. I’ve got a friend who will do the kid’s drop off and pick up for me a couple days a week when things on her end of life calm down.

I don’t have all my ducks in a row. I’m sure one or two have wandered off somewhere and taken my Muse as hostage. If I can get them all in the same pond, that’ll be something.

I have flash fiction stories that I’ve decided are going to go in the box for another day. I’ve come up with a couple new flash fiction with which I’m tinkering. Sentinels of Mysera still needs its edits made. And NaNoWriMo is a little over a month away. I’m taking one day at a time, even if it’s just writing half a paragraph of a short story or brainstorming a little for NaNo.

Bear with me. I’ll get there.

Gonna go chase ducks now.

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